Short Version:
What began as a pursuit of health, morphed into a pursuit of weight loss and health with many poor diet choices along the way. I focused on what other people said instead of how I felt and what I knew about nutrition until I finally had a wake up call that what I was doing wasn't healthy, nor helping me lose weight. I finally changed my ways and have gained only health and happiness from it.
Long Version:
I left out TONS of details and it’s still a novel. If you get through it, I commend you.
I first became interested in nutrition in elementary school. One day I ate too much junk food (lunchables, sunchips, pizza, ice cream, coffee milk, etc.) and got sick. It was then that I realized what I ate could affect how I felt. I HATED throwing up (still do), so I did what I could to prevent that from happening again and began paying attention to what I ate as it pertained to my health.
I started researching nutrition at a young age, learning that soda and white bread were pretty bad for the body, not that I really liked those things anyway. I even tried to get my classmates to join me on this health-kick, but I also learned that I’d never be a lawyer unless I could make more convincing arguments. The fact that soda could lead to tooth decay just wasn’t enough of a concern to anyone except me.
It wasn’t until my senior year of high school, however, that I felt the power of nutrition even more prominently when one of my friends (now husband, go figure) finally convinced me that giving up sugar was a good idea.
Correction: it was a brilliant idea!
My energy skyrocketed and subsequently, my track performance markedly increased (I was a 3200 meter runner at the time). This was something I never would have realized possible simply by switching the foods I ate. I wanted everyone to realize how much better they could feel from eating healthier!
But, then, as graduation got closer my health began to decline. I went from daily perfect poops to feeling constipated for pretty much the rest of the year. It was a feeling I’d never had before: constant bloat and stomach fullness. I remember spending prom feeling pretty blah and not being able to eat much because I felt too blocked up. I remember my last state track race being the worst I’d ran because I felt heavy and sick.
During this time I went to the doctor a lot. I went through X-rays, sitz markers, miralax recommendations, probiotics, etc. And then it was off to college - yay.
I had also given up red meat for some reason. I think because I had learned about the link between saturated fats and heart disease?
To make matters worse for myself I started college on birth control for my acne, which I later realized was a direct effect of dairy and not eating enough essential fats and nutrients.
The birth control and stress of college was really getting to me and I felt fatigued, hungry, and emotional. I was gaining weight, and I was still constipated ALL THE TIME.
I ended up ditching the birth control forever after trying two different types with similar negative side effects and began researching the healthiest diet. I found veganism - I’d never heard of it before! But it sounded pretty good: plants (those are healthy, I thought), good for the environment, ethically sound. Okay, I’d try it.
At first I loved being vegan, and thought that I’d found the healthiest way of eating. I even lost weight without really trying, though not in a good way.
I realized later that I was a low fat, low calorie vegan, but didn't know it at the time.
Due to the extreme drop in calories and increase in activity (I had joined the cross country skiing club, which was a lot of running and worked out on my own during the off days) I did lose weight, getting down to 114-115# or less (I’m 5’6”). But, towards the end of the year, I got HUNGRY. I started eating more high calorie foods and quickly began putting weight back on. Also, I was still constipated. Also, my acne was the worst it had ever been. Also, my hands were constantly dry and cracked. Also, I lost my period. And I was really cold all of the time. Later, after having actual nutrition education I learned my skin issues were likely because I wasn’t getting enough protein, zinc, or essential fatty acids - all vital for skin health; I was cold and lost my period because I wasn't eating enough calories or essenial fats, and I was still constipated because my diet was unbalanced and I was still stressed.
Winter break, 2012. I'm in the middle at one of my lowest weights.
Eventually I got a multivitamin after learning that there were certain nutrients I could be deficient in as a vegan - and of course, I had to be sure there was no gelatin in it. I also got really upset if I had to eat things that weren’t strictly vegan, thinking a tiny bit of mayo on a sandwich would ruin my health (it wouldn’t have, but the strict mindset was).
I stayed vegan through the fall of my sophomore year of college I believe? I had also transferred schools and found some like-minded people at Boston University. But, then I started craving meat and ate a bite of turkey at Thanksgiving.
There was something in the back of my mind though, something I learned soon before the end of my freshman year. I was in a club. I don’t remember what it was called, but something to do with food sustainability. One of the members talked about how her doctor prescribed her a paleo diet - I’d never heard of it before (this was 2012). She said she’d lost 20#, the joint pain in her knees had disappeared, and she felt so much better. WOW! I had thought. At the time I looked into it more and it was similar to the way I was eating, but opposite in others: meat, poultry, fish, and eggs for protein, but no legumes, beans, or grains. The no sugar, processed foods, or dairy I mostly had down, though.
At some point during my sophomore year, my roommate convinced me to listen to podcasts, and I ended up finding many that discussed a paleo or paleo-ish way of eating: The Calorie Myth, Fat Burning Man, and The Paleo View (to this day it’s my absolute favorite podcast!). I was intrigued. I somehow ended up changing my diet because I started to notice I was craving other foods, and found veganism wasn’t serving me anymore.
Unfortunately, this was kind of a pivotal point that really caused my health to take a turn for the worst. I learned about dietary fats, focusing on protein, and limiting carbs - all carbs, even whole grains and fruit, foods I thought to be healthy (hint: they are for most people).
This was all from people who were men and not nutrition nutrition experts, yet, they were so confident this was the way people should eat that I believed them.
So, I started eating vegetables and meat for meals, and almonds and dried coconut for snacks: no fruit, no grains, no potatoes. And you know what? My health tanked. I began gaining weight, and I could no longer run. I just didn’t have the energy for it and my muscles felt heavy, which was a real bummer because I was a founding member of the BU Track & Field Club team.
Yet, I still thought I was doing something right.
Fast forward to my junior year and I learned more and more about the high-fat, low-carb paleo diet (what would likely have been a "keto" diet back then, but the term had not really become popular yet), following more and more people who adhered to this way of eating, not really asking myself if it was working for me. I even learned about Bulletproof coffee. But of course, I thought saturated fats were unhealthy so I only used about a tsp each of coconut oil and butter and thought that would be enough for my breakfast (it wasn't). I also rendered my own lard, cooked everything in it, and hardly ate more carbs than a handful of strawberries. I ate peanut butter instead of starch, forgetting the fact that fats are more than double the calories per gram than carbs, so I would’ve saved myself a lot of trouble had I just eaten a bit of rice like I really wanted.
I was no longer considering the micronutrients or fiber that was coming along with the foods I ate, I was too focused on the fact that these people said if I ate fat, I’d lose fat. So I was eating produce, but not a whole lot of it.
Why was I concerned with fat loss? Well because I was in the nutrition world of course. And people tend to associate good looks with good nutrition. I feared if I didn't look a certain way, people would not believe my recommendations. So ironically, as I was pursuing weight loss and health, I became further from it.
Unfortunately, at this time, what I learned in school actually coincided with how I was eating. I was taking biochemistry and learning about fat metabolism and that eventually without carbs/enough calories, our bodies would turn to our fat stores - but at the time I didn’t realize that a) it’s more complex than that, and b) we need carbs to burn fat.
My health was also the worst it had ever been. I was still chronically constipated, and taking desperate measures like enemas and powerful laxatives. I had no energy and pretty much stopped working out, even taking a walk felt like too much. I would end up binging on ice cream after having really strong carb and sugar cravings that I just couldn’t ignore anymore. Additionally, I ended up with even more gastrointestinal issues like extreme gas and bloating and began taking all sorts of supplements like Oregano oil without instructions from a doctor (Yikes! Little did I know you shouldn't take this without the help of a health practioner).
I self-diagnosed myself with everything at the time: candida overgrowth, SIBO, hypothyroidism, histamine intolerance, etc. Not knowing that if I just ate like a normal person, all these GI issues, brain fog, constipation, and fatigue would disappear.
One of the most memorable experiences during this time that reminds me “what the heck were you thinking?!” was when I thought it would be smart to have my version of a Bulletproof coffee (a.k.a. very few calories) as my breakfast before a long, below freezing, winter hike. I was with my mom and her friend, who is a doctor. I thought I’d have this coffee and use the hike to burn my fat stores since low-intense cardio burns fat, right? During the hike I got so cold I couldn't move my hands. My mom’s friend had to help me put my gloves on. One of the first things she asked me was, “have you eaten anything?” Nope. How dumb! Once I ate, I felt like a new person. I warmed right up and had the energy to finish the hike without problem!
Later that spring I started to feel better after allowing yogurt, a bit more fruit, and multivitamins back in my diet (oh I think I’d also given up on taking vitamins because I should have been “getting everything from my diet” (well, maybe I would have if my diet hadn’t been so restrictive). And I did finally get my period back! It wasn't regular, but present.
Me (left) and my friend at a wine tasting the summer after junior year (2015). I'm at one of my highest weights.
The following year I finally gave up on the high fat thing, realizing it wasn’t working for me (but stay tuned!). I was still pretty low-carb, though, only allowing myself to eat starch and fruit post-workout, except for berries in my morning smoothie. I was at least back to eating lots of vegetables, focusing on fiber, and eating lean proteins, which work really well for me. I was still eating pretty paleo-ish with the exception of rice and occasionally beans and yogurt. Paleo wasn’t the problem. People can have a higher carb paleo diet, I just hadn’t been doing that.
I also learned about Natural Calm magnesium, so I was pooping most days too.
I actually was in pretty good shape, too. I was able to run again and started lifting weights. But, I ended up focusing too much on protein and still too low in carbs for the activity I was doing. I still didn’t eat any sugar, but learned about stevia, and used wayyyy too much of it.
My gut was healthier and I lost weight, but I was still suffering a lot of days. I ended up relying on HCl + Betaine supplements to digest food because some days it felt like my stomach acid just wasn’t there.
My strict mindset around food and nutrition continued and I wasn’t eating enough. I thought I was at the time, but looking back and considering how I feel now, it wasn’t enough. And I was exercising at least once, but often two, sometimes three times a day.
Then, after graduation, I went on a ten day trip to Europe. It was awesome! But I came back with more disordered eating tendencies than I would have liked.
Though hesitant at first, while there I ended up eating bread, dairy (mainly in the form of gelato and cheese), and sugar. All things I had restricted. I had figured out a couple years ago at that point that I had a gluten sensitivity, which caused me to have bad stomach pain and nausea (or so I thought, now I know that it is a few specific FODMAP foods that cause this for me - coconut & wheat, not gluten).
But, the food quality was better in Italy, which is where I ate most of this stuff, so I didn’t feel as sick, though I did have to start taking my allergy medicine - something I had started taking in 4th grade due to daily headaches and stopped taking when I gave up all these foods (to this day, I still get a stuffy nose and sometimes headache if I have them).
But during this trip I just didn’t eat a whole lot. I called it the gum diet. When I was hungry, and there wasn't food available, I just chewed gum instead. At the time, I joked about it. Because it didn’t seem terrible. We wouldn’t eat a whole lot just from traveling or not wanting to spend money on a full meal, but then might eat a whole pizza in the evening. But there was definitely some disordered thoughts that crept in like being in control of my hunger, how long I could last in the morning without eating (this was also a time where intermittent fasting was becoming popular and I had done it occasionally in the year prior, which would just end up in extreme hunger and a stomach ache after I finally ate a meal). I had gotten into kind of a fasting state so much so that sometimes I could eat a few bites of food and then feel full. I also lost more weight during that trip just from walking a lot and not eating much.
Me (left) and one of my friends on a hike in 2016 after I had returned from Europe. I'm at one of my lowest weights, and the sad part? I wanted to be smaller. I remember during this hike I was pretty hungry, but wouldn't let myself eat until I reached the top (why, I don't know), but then allowed myself a burger, beer, and ice cream after we got to the bottom. It's these things that really make me wonder where my head was at.
And this kind of eating continued through to the following spring. But, during this I was at one of my worst places again. I would basically try to eat as little as I could while also working 10-14 hrs a day at a bakery. So I pretty much had no energy to do anything and when I did socialize I was a zombie. I felt like something was wrong with my brain. Looking back now I know I just wasn’t eating enough. But, at the time I was focused on my weight, not my health. I would occasionally eat a lot of food partly because I was so hungry, partly because it was delicious and there. We had started serving farm to table dinners where I worked and there was always a ton of leftover food that I’d eat a lot of. But, it would always result in feeling like my metabolism was shut down. I was still experiencing not being able to eat much at once, so when I gorged on all this stuff it felt like it just sat in my stomach and took forever to metabolize, rather than fuel my body.
Oh, also I’m back to pretty much never pooping since being at work at 5 am everyday and hitting the ground running was stressful for me.
Then, another stressful time came. I was going to start the dietetic internship. Somehow in the months before I left, I had gotten back into the high-fat, low-carb diet mindset and again, running was hard, so my physical activity tanked. I also knew that I needed carbs and those would help my metabolism - finally realizing that carbs were important for thyroid, which was important for proper digestion. But yet, I still thought the high-fat thing was the way to go…? I ended up eating high-fat, then remembering I needed carbs, but still wasn’t eating starch, so I would eat sugary foods (fruit, honey, energy bars). I’m not really sure how I reasoned that an energy bar, full of refined sugar and starch was a healthier choice than a potato. All in all I just ended up gaining weight. I was probably eating enough calories at this point, but too many, and not the right types, getting most of it from fats and refined sugars.
This kind of eating carried through partly into my internship. Also, my gut health was still in terrible shape, and I ended up half following this weird diet involving meat and jello, half not. So basically I was back to not eating a ton of fiber, or eating enough at all (again), and just not thinking correctly about nutrition - all while taking the steps to become a dietitian! Sheesh.
Eventually, I began following different people, women who were focused on women’s health who promoted eating at least SOME starchy carbs and fruit. And I remembered when I least ate rice, I felt better. So I started to incorporate more starches and try eating enough, but it was still a battle of allowing myself to eat what I knew I needed while overcoming a fear of foods.
My digestion also got worse when the internship got more stressful. I had chronic heartburn and healthy foods like protein and vegetables were hard to eat sometimes as they require more digestion. I probably ended up eating more refined starches and sugar in this one year than I had my whole life. I ended up gaining more weight than I was used to and going up a pant size.
Me during my internship in 2017-2018, at my highest weight. These pants that were once falling off me now barely fit.
I know this was in part due to stress and also was just a long time coming. I knew my body didn't like how thin it had gotten. I then battled both disliking my body and losing confidence, while also knowing it needed to happen and that I needed to love my body in order for it to heal again.
Oh and did I mention this was also all around the time that I was working a lot with eating disorders and promoting positive body image? I really didn’t realize how much I needed this information at the time. I thought that I had a healthy mindset and body image, but, looking back I was far from it.
I really didn’t realize I had disordered eating habits until the fall after my internship had ended, after I became a dietitian.
I went to church one day mulling over whether or not we could put sausage in the lentil soup we were having for dinner. I had made strides in being less strict with my diet by including more variety, and focusing on just eating healthier, but I still fell into the trap of perfection and over analyzing specific, more controversial foods. Example: lentils aren’t paleo, but they’re nutrient dense, so that’s good. Sausage, well, it has a lot of fat, it’s not super nutrient dense, so would I feel okay after eating it, would I gain weight, etc.?
It was during this service that I had a wake-up call about the way things were going and where they would head if I didn’t steer myself in a different direction. I realized that God had been trying to send me this message for a long time and I just hadn’t been listening, falling back into unhealthy dieting habits. I realized I needed to just focus on the bigger picture: real food, health, and factual nutrition science, no weird food rules or dieting tips. You can read that story here.
It was still a long journey, but over time I began eating enough and more variety. I now limit only those foods that truly don’t make me feel well if I have too many of them. I no longer fast, I eat three full meals a day, and snacks if I need them. I also honor my hunger, and don’t try to suffer through it. I finally have the energy to work, socialize, and stay physically active! I pay attention to both the quality and quantity of what I’m eating. I eat for health and body composition goals, but it’s from a much better mindset. I approach my decisions based on science and proper nutrition, mindfulness, and intuition. It took a long time to get to this point, but I finally feel good. I feel free. I only wish it didn’t take me so long to get here.
Me and my now-husband in 2019 at my brother and sister-in-law's wedding. I'm at my healthiest and happiest weight.
To be clear, I did not have an eating disorder, but, like many people, I fell into poor dieting habits and a restrictive mindset. I lost sight of the bigger picture of health.
Although I often wish I had never gone down the dieting path and just ate healthy foods, I still don’t regret anything because it helped me learn. It helped me see fad diets for what they are, rather than looking at them with rose colored glasses. I want to help prevent others from going through the same struggles that I did. For example, I'm pretty adamant that most people, especially women, DO NOT try a keto diet as it will likely destroy their hormonal health.
One of the best things I began doing in order to make sure I was eating enough and eating properly was to just focus on eating each macronutrient at every meal. Sounds so simple, right? But I think for a long time I had this notion that good nutrition certainly couldn’t be that simple. There is a lot more to it, but it really can start with just having a balanced plate.
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